I watched him all night and wondered how I could ever have let such a good thing go. I was young and dumb, that's how. Actually, I wasn't dumb. I was just young. When you're that young, you don't know anything. You don't know what you want or don't want. You don't know what you like or dislike. You don't even know yourself yet.
When he had turned out all the lights, I walked across the street and stood in his driveway. I didn't plan on this but I felt a certain compulsion to get closer. A compulsion that I couldn't - no, wouldn't fight. I was wrong, so very wrong. But I had been wrong for 10 years so why should this moment be any different. With each step I took towards his door I thought of every little thing I'd ever done to hurt him. Things so minuscule and dated that he probably had long forgotten them. I could never forget. Every time I'd ever seen pain in his eyes or heard disappointment in his voice was engraved in my memory. Every instance replayed in my mind on a constant loop.
"Lord." I whispered to myself as I stood on his porch, staring at his front door. I knew I needed to pray but I didn't know what to say. "Lord, please" I was hoping God would do something to stop me. This man I loved so much left a spare key underneath a potted plant. I had always admired his intellect and this seemed careless of him. "Lord?" Clearly the decision was mine to make as I had yet to be struck down. I entered his house and locked the door behind me.
I pressed my back against the door to gain some stability. I had no idea what I was going to do. I took my shoes off, left them by the front door and walked softly into the living room. I looked at the sofa. It looked new. It wasn't wearing the way a sofa does when you've got a family sitting on it. He didn't have a family to wear it out. That was my fault. I made my way into the kitchen and couldn't help but imagine the family meals we might be making if I hadn't been so selfish all those years ago. I thought about the lunches I'd be packing for our precious twin boys. The babies I didn't want. The children he begged me to keep.
"How can you give away our babies?" I'll never forget the look on his face when I told him that once the twins were born I wanted to give them up for adoption. We were sixteen, still children ourselves, but he wanted our boys. He had decided to be a man. He had committed to it. I, on the other hand didn't want to grow up yet. Not that way. He pleaded with me everyday to reconsider. I didn't even look at them when they were born. He did. He said goodbye. I was selfish but he was in love with me, and wanted me to be happy. I never knew why he loved me so much, and I always wondered if he knew himself.
I looked down to see water dripping onto the counter. They were my tears. I hadn't even realized I'd started crying. "Lord." I didn't bother wiping my face. As I found my way to the stairs I thought about leaving, but I couldn't force myself to turn around. There was that compulsion. I wanted to see him.
Each stair that led me closer to him brought back another memory, Some good and some painful. He had wanted to marry me. We were twenty-two and I just wanted to be young. He only wanted me and I wanted the world. I had never been good enough for him and he had never cared. He waited, and two years later I left him for a man I only liked on weekends.
I stood in the doorway of his bedroom, but all I could really see was the faint green glow of the hands on my watch. 1:15AM. I stepped in. I thought I might get just close enough to the bed and watch him sleep for a while. "I've been waiting for you." His voice gave me chills and left me paralyzed. He walked over from the window and turned on a light beside the bed. "You've been sitting outside my house for 8 days. I was beginning to think you'd never come in." He spoke so calmly and all I could do was stare. I was embarrassed and shocked, all the while even more enamored with the man standing in front of me who I loved so deeply.
Crazy, that's what I was. I had stalked my ex boyfriend and essentially broken into his house. I was crazy, but in that moment I realized he was just as crazy as me. He put his arms around me and I could see it in his eyes. His eyes were full of insanity; the kind that comes from loving a single person more than you love yourself. I cried as he held me. "I'm sorry." I repeated the phrase over and over as I sobbed into his shirt. I felt as if I had broken him, damaged his psyche in some way. What reasonable person could stand here with me like this, holding me so close? He was mine, whether I wanted him or not. He was of no good to any other woman. "Stay." he whispered.
I did.
When he had turned out all the lights, I walked across the street and stood in his driveway. I didn't plan on this but I felt a certain compulsion to get closer. A compulsion that I couldn't - no, wouldn't fight. I was wrong, so very wrong. But I had been wrong for 10 years so why should this moment be any different. With each step I took towards his door I thought of every little thing I'd ever done to hurt him. Things so minuscule and dated that he probably had long forgotten them. I could never forget. Every time I'd ever seen pain in his eyes or heard disappointment in his voice was engraved in my memory. Every instance replayed in my mind on a constant loop.
"Lord." I whispered to myself as I stood on his porch, staring at his front door. I knew I needed to pray but I didn't know what to say. "Lord, please" I was hoping God would do something to stop me. This man I loved so much left a spare key underneath a potted plant. I had always admired his intellect and this seemed careless of him. "Lord?" Clearly the decision was mine to make as I had yet to be struck down. I entered his house and locked the door behind me.
I pressed my back against the door to gain some stability. I had no idea what I was going to do. I took my shoes off, left them by the front door and walked softly into the living room. I looked at the sofa. It looked new. It wasn't wearing the way a sofa does when you've got a family sitting on it. He didn't have a family to wear it out. That was my fault. I made my way into the kitchen and couldn't help but imagine the family meals we might be making if I hadn't been so selfish all those years ago. I thought about the lunches I'd be packing for our precious twin boys. The babies I didn't want. The children he begged me to keep.
"How can you give away our babies?" I'll never forget the look on his face when I told him that once the twins were born I wanted to give them up for adoption. We were sixteen, still children ourselves, but he wanted our boys. He had decided to be a man. He had committed to it. I, on the other hand didn't want to grow up yet. Not that way. He pleaded with me everyday to reconsider. I didn't even look at them when they were born. He did. He said goodbye. I was selfish but he was in love with me, and wanted me to be happy. I never knew why he loved me so much, and I always wondered if he knew himself.
I looked down to see water dripping onto the counter. They were my tears. I hadn't even realized I'd started crying. "Lord." I didn't bother wiping my face. As I found my way to the stairs I thought about leaving, but I couldn't force myself to turn around. There was that compulsion. I wanted to see him.
Each stair that led me closer to him brought back another memory, Some good and some painful. He had wanted to marry me. We were twenty-two and I just wanted to be young. He only wanted me and I wanted the world. I had never been good enough for him and he had never cared. He waited, and two years later I left him for a man I only liked on weekends.
I stood in the doorway of his bedroom, but all I could really see was the faint green glow of the hands on my watch. 1:15AM. I stepped in. I thought I might get just close enough to the bed and watch him sleep for a while. "I've been waiting for you." His voice gave me chills and left me paralyzed. He walked over from the window and turned on a light beside the bed. "You've been sitting outside my house for 8 days. I was beginning to think you'd never come in." He spoke so calmly and all I could do was stare. I was embarrassed and shocked, all the while even more enamored with the man standing in front of me who I loved so deeply.
Crazy, that's what I was. I had stalked my ex boyfriend and essentially broken into his house. I was crazy, but in that moment I realized he was just as crazy as me. He put his arms around me and I could see it in his eyes. His eyes were full of insanity; the kind that comes from loving a single person more than you love yourself. I cried as he held me. "I'm sorry." I repeated the phrase over and over as I sobbed into his shirt. I felt as if I had broken him, damaged his psyche in some way. What reasonable person could stand here with me like this, holding me so close? He was mine, whether I wanted him or not. He was of no good to any other woman. "Stay." he whispered.
I did.